When I was a much younger individual, our parents were very involved in the church we attended so naturally we knew almost everyone that also went there. They had become close friends with 3 other couples from a church they had all previously attended and some of those families also went to our church. We called ourselves “the 4 families” and still do to this day. We grew up with their kids, carpooled to school with one of the families, had Christmas get-togethers (still do only now they also include a myriad of babies) and generally spent much time together. One of the couples had only daughters like my parents so there were times that we spent with just them. There was also a single lady that went to this same church that became friends with our mother. She was older than the 4 family parents and was single with no children and no matter how they tried to involve her in the circle, she just didn’t seem to fit. She was however very fond of us girls and since she had, for whatever reason, never had any children of her own she took a huge liking to my sister and myself and the 3 girls of the other son-less family. We of course loved all of the attention we got from her. After some time, we were told that she would like for us all to call her “Auntie”. This seemed odd to me at the time and I’m not sure I ever resolved those awkward feelings about it. I don’t know why it would have ever seemed off to me. I loved her, as quirky and odd as she was, in a certain way, I loved her. I was young and she showered me with attention and presents. She would have a
“Christmas in July” party for the 5 of us girls and we’d have a slumber party and presents and games. It was a great time, I loved the other 4 girls and enjoyed my time. I think what made it awkward for me was that I never truly felt close to her. Maybe it was because she was so different from the other adults in my life that I just never knew what to make of her.
Eventually, as I grew into my teen years, she faded from my life. I know she was still close with our Mom, hell, she still may be for all I know, but she either decided we were no longer fun since we were teens and angsty, or we decided she wasn’t fun anymore no matter how many gifts she gave us. Maybe she decided to start attending another church? I honestly have no idea. Lately though, I have been thinking a lot about her. I believe that she and I probably have a lot of personality quirks in common. At the very least, from the impression I got from my parents, we would probably appreciate each others weirdness more than others would. Maybe we’d have an understanding of each other that only someone with similar issues could have. I don’t know why as of late I have wished that she had never faded from my life or why I have been thinking about her, but I have.
I have noticed a pattern in myself and I am determined to break it. I see no benefits to maintaining this behavior in myself. I actually noticed this quite some time ago and only recently have taken efforts to correct it. What I am talking about is my need to finish what I started. Now I understand that in most cases, this is a good quality but I believe I have taken this to a whole new level. I read this book called “Kate” about Katherine Hepburn and I can honestly say that I did not enjoy one moment of it. The author was just sure that she was a lesbian so the entire book was peppered with “proof” of this. I am not convinced and I finished the whole stupid LONG book. This tells me 2 things:
1. He is a terrible author. He was unable to sway the reader to what was obviously his sole purpose in writing the book and
2. I need to learn when to stop reading a bad book
I also seem to have this issue when dating. I don’t date very much. It’s just not fun to me. I like my life the way it is and have very little need for more to be added to it. However, when I was involved in my most recent relationship (everyone in my life knows the name of this individual so I feel no need to put his name in here) I stuck it out to the very bitter end. We dated for almost 3 years and if I’m completely honest with myself, it should have ended after about 8 months. Not only did I stick that out until it couldn’t be more obviously over, I got back together with this man after about a year of separation. He’s a great man, don’t get me wrong. He just doesn’t want the same things that I want and therefore it was clear after the romancing me phase that it wasn’t going to work but I still stuck it out.
I can say now though that I have started to change my ways on both accounts. I chose to end the relationship this past December because it was pointless to continue it and I’ve been there before. I am proud to say that I have also given up on 3 books recently. I am a firm believer in giving them their fair chances, you never know when it is going to get good or who would publish it? One of them was about a whore in King Henry’s court and I can’t tolerate that so it went into the kindling pile by my fire place. Another was pleasant enough but was dreadfully boring and had no story. The first chapter was about this minister in a small town and a stray dog that he adopted. The next chapter was about him buying a big tub to bathe said dog in. The next chapter was about the town throwing him a 60th birthday party. I think I read another chapter before I decided that it was just to boring to waste my time on. I gave that one to my Mom for her to pass on to my Grandma or someone that might enjoy it. I can’t imagine who would but someone must.
My point? I’m learning, I’m growing and dagnabit I’m not wasting my time anymore!
Hot guy is here with his fiancee today. Sad day indeed. I got to eavesdrop on them being counselled by the owner of the shop on their upcoming wedding. I think I hate her.
Also, I haven’t had a cigarette for 10 days!!!
I’m contemplating writing a book with the encouragement of my friend Amanda. (Amanda doesn’t read my blog so I can say whatever I want about her and maybe she’s not that great of a friend after all if she neglects the quality work I’m already doing here.) I of course have contemplated this for some time. I think I could do it and I think I could do it well. It’s a lot of work but what else am I doing these days? I’m sure you all vividly recall the post a little while back about a book I read by a fellow blogger that was nothing more than a bunch of blog posts published as a book. It was pure crap. But if that’s all it takes, I’ve already got my substance right here. I don’t want to be THAT girl though. I want to create something worth reading and not just by my 3 friends and my parents. Correction, my 2 friends because Amanda doesn’t read this.
So in contemplating how to best go about starting this monstrosity I have decided that I need a mini tape recorder. Anyone that knows me knows that my memory is absolute crap. I’ll have a great idea and by the time I get to anywhere to record it, it’s gone from me. So I need a tape recorder. This will also enable me to record various knitting group conversations unbeknown-st to the rest of the group and use that as if it were my own creation! I”m just kidding! I wouldn’t do that! Or would I?
I also need to put together an outline. I know it must involve knitting but I don’t want that to be a main theme, just a background. I’ve also thought about making a list of words that I really like and want to include.
I suppose if I really intended to do this I would have put some effort into it by now. Maybe it’s just fun to talk about! Maybe, when I’m old and have nothing else to talk about and everyone that knows me is in a different nursing home than the one I’m in, I’ll tell all the other old people all about the book I almost wrote that would have made me rich and famous and eccentric rather than just odd. Or maybe, since they’re all old and don’t know any better anyway, I’ll tell them that I actually did write said book and that I AM really famous. Silly old people.
Today at 2:00 P.M. I will have officially been a non-smoker for a whole week!! EEEEEEE!!
I feel compelled to recant my previous complaints about my local coffee shop. I have been coming here regularly (up to 3 times a week) since I have been not working and am finding that the things that used to drive me nuts, no longer bother me. The main reason for my conversion however, is the owner. Last Thursday, I came in with 2 partially filled punch cards and no money. Once you get a punch card full, you get a free coffee. I planned on praying on their generosity and asking if I could combine the two cards for a coffee. The owner happened to be working the counter when I came in and since one of the cards only needed one more punch, he just took that as if it were full and gave me a coffee. “I’ll gladly give you a latte today for money on Tuesday.” I told him I would be more than willing to pay for said coffee the very next day when funds would be replenished and he refused to allow me. Apparently, my loyalty is cheap. As it turns out, I can be bought for the low low price of an iced vanilla mocha.
Some of my other complaints have seemed to disappear as well. I used to be annoyed by some of the employees here but have grown to accept them for their quirks. Saying that I appreciate them or enjoy them would be taking it to far for now. I do wish they had a fire place for the cold days like LatteLand but I can accept a comfy chair in a warm building instead. I am still uncomfortable with some of the groups that frequent this establishment but fortunately, they don’t tend to be here when I am as I have learned when to avoid being here.
http://mocoloco.com/art/archives/newport_knitting_jun_05.jpg. I just found this and it amused me. It has nothing to do with the coffee shop.
It’s been 45 hours since I had a cigarette and I really think I’ve only gotten cranky once!!
So there have been days lately that I have composed in my head various letters to Metallica. The more balanced of you might be asking yourself “why on earth would one do that?”. Several reasons really. Most importantly, I feel that they need to know that there is a wonderful person in Kansas City, Missouri that is a very devoted fan and not even slightly on the crazy side.
I truly believe that they would each enjoy knowing the following:
1. My black cat is named Metallica and is a very genteel female creature. She stays clear of any and all guests and sleeps on the boy’s bed if he’s home and mine if the boy is at his dad’s house. The only person she has ever cared to see is my sister. Years ago when we decided to exercise together every morning, Metallica would come down the stairs and sit there watching the door for April to arrive. Never again has she cared one iota about anyone or anything else besides myself and the boy and even then I’m not entirely sure she really cares.
2. My black lab/mastiff is named James for my number one favorite band member. He thinks he is a tiny little lap puppy rather than the very large bear-like animal that he really is. He loves to bring me his water bowl when it’s empty which is quite funny to see and he thinks the couch is his.
3. The blonde lab was named Lars, may he rest in peace. He left us in a tragic run-in with a car about a year and a half ago. He was a sweet dog that loved to give love nibbles and jump over the fence.
4. The Cairn terrier was named Kirk. When we got him, we tried to decide between two names for him. “Kirk” or “Jason, the one that no one really likes”. I adore Kirk Hammett so the choice was obvious and the band has made naming future pets much easier with the addition of Robert and getting rid of Jason, the one that no one really likes. Try yelling that at a pet. I had to find a new home for Kirk because he was absolutely untrainable. I’m sure there are people out there that could tame him, but they weren’t me. He would bolt out the door and the boy would have to chase him all over the neighborhood. Sorry Mr. Hammett.
5. I dated a man that used to play for me on his Kirk Hammett guitar. In hindsight, this was quite possibly the reason I was with him for so long.
6. I’ve named our house “Hetfield Manor”. I feel that is a tradition that is lost in America and should be re-instated. They used to name all of the big plantations and mansions. Granted, my house is about the size of a nice apartment but I do love it and plan on staying there for the rest of my days so it suited me to name it and nothing else really fit. Really, the place named itself. I had very little to do with it.
7. I own the lyrics book, the music videos DVD, Some Kind of Monster on DVD, S&M on DVD and CD, the book “So What” as well as a couple of other biographies and have at one time owned all of their CDs.
8. I had to buy S&M on CD twice because I listened to my first copy too much.
9. I made out with a complete stranger at the concert a few years ago when James took his shirt off on stage.
10. I didn’t get to go to the concert in 2008 because I didn’t have the money for it which was devastating to me and mine. It was between that and making a mortgage payment and I really think the family would have disowned me had I lost my house for that reason.
11. I also couldn’t afford “Death Magnetic” which was tragic. Everyone that has ever known me thinks of me when they hear Metallica on the radio. I was getting text messages from people I haven’t worked with in years because they’d heard the new material. I felt like the worst fan in the world. The boy, being the amazing and wonderful person that he is, got it for me for Christmas and we are both listening to it frequently.
12. The boy made fun of me in his earlier years and would sigh at me when I made him listen to whatever album I was currently memorizing. He is now a convert to the ways of the wise and wants to be Lars.
13. I think Lars did the right thing with Napster and I completely support him. I’m even more annoyed with reporters that ask him if he regrets what he did.
There are many more things that can and will be added to this list. I must save some for another time. A time at which I hope to include pictures of their namesakes!
I don’t know how many times I have attempted to quit smoking. I lost count a couple of years ago. In fact, I got so bad at quitting, that those around me now make fun of me for even trying. But still I persist! That’s the Tams spirit!
This time around, I’ve been trying since last Thursday or Friday. I can’t remember. I did OK for a couple of days but smoked over the weekend and on Monday of this week. Yesterday I finished the pack I had around 2 in the afternoon and have had the patch on ever since. It was not as easy last night as it has been in the past. In fact, it’s quite a good thing that I have no money for frivolities these days or I probably would have gone out and bought a pack. The lack of money is a HUGE motivator! The patch has worked quite well for me in the past. I have (about 5 years ago) gone about 2 months without smoking with the use of just the patch. What seems to always get me is going out for drinks. I can go for a while with no smoking but when I get a couple of cocktails in me, I decide I want to smoke. Now don’t get me wrong, this is not a failure on the part of the manufacturers of the patch, whomever they may be. At these times that I am out having a couple of cocktails, I tend to force myself to smoke. The first one isn’t entirely enjoyable but once I get past it, I’m golden. Why do I do this? I cannot know.
I am frighteningly low on patches right now though. This will present a problem for me in about 4 days. The ones I have are left-overs from some other attemt at quitting and are expired. They expired last October but oddly enough have been working just fine with the exception that they tend to not want to stick for extended periods of time. In 4 days time, I will have to cave-in and fork over the money for some new ones which will be one of those things one does with a bad attitude knowing that it is ultimately a good decision. Who hasn’t had that I ask you!
I am eager to get the house smelling lovely and un-smokerly. All I’ll need to do now is rid myself of the big hairy dog and the boy and I will have a clean and aromatic environment with which to live!! The downsides to this? I can already feel myself gaining weight. My jeans are excessively tight today and I blame the lack of smoking rather than the large and unhealthy meals I’ve consumed over the past few days. I MUST find a way to work some exercise into every day. Having no job right now, it is excessively easy to sit around all day reading or knitting and neglecting the need to get blood flowing. One of my favorite all time quotes from a book was from “Fearless Fourteen” and it is from the character Lulu. She says something to the degree of: she needs to get some doughnuts on account of all the running around they’d been doing. She needs to keep her blood sugar up or she’ll get dizzy spells. I love her. That would have been much better if I could have remembered the exact quote. I don’t feel I’ve done it justice and I don’t have the book with me right now or I would have looked it up. Whatever.
I have also as of late, been keeping my attempts at quitting to myself. Not because I am fearful of being made fun of, this is my life, I’m used to it. I guess it is because I feel like I’ll be more successful this way. That shouldn’t make sense but it really does. I mean, the people in my life that care the most about my quitting and love me the most, are so exhausted with my multiple attempts that they don’t really believe me I think. I want to prove myself a success at this before I make any announcements. And since I don’t blog much anymore, no one reads this anymore so I don’t think they’ll know!
Hopefully soon I’ll be able to post again with an update at how I’m doing and it will be a positive one.
There is a coffee shop by my house that I frequent. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this place before but I have VERY mixed feelings about this establishment. Let me list out the pros and cons for you:
Pros
1. It is within walking distance of my house so I can get some good exercise when the weather is agreeable.
2. It is cheaper than the other places (LatteLand and Starbucks)
3. There is a very attractive man that also frequents this place (I’m old fashioned so I have not approached him yet. Hopefully soon he’ll have a desire to talk to me!)
Cons
1. Most of the people that work here annoy me
2. The coffee doesn’t taste as good as at the other places (LatteLand and Starbucks)
3. It used to be called A Cup Above and I LOVED the gals that ran the place
4. The music they play here frequently makes me want to slap someone
5. There are children that come in here
So the point of my story? I keep coming here just on the off chance that the hot guy will one day want to marry me.
So I just read a book by a fellow blogger about her divorce and subsequent fall into despair and rescue by knitting. There are several things that strike me about this experience but I will only entertain you with a few.
1. It really seems like it wouldn’t be all that difficult to write a book. Her chapters were brief at best and the only real theme was “finding herself”. Who among us hasn’t embarked upon THAT rite of passage at one point or another? Sometimes more than once!
2. It made me reflect upon my love life a little bit more than I was prepared to do right now. I also am a divorcee but was no where near as devastated by it as she was. Dating on the other hand has been a much less successful venture for me. I am currently in a relationship that is going nowhere. Sometimes, this is what is desired. Why suffer through pressures of needing to be involved in something that is “going somewhere”? I have very many other pressures right now, the last thing I need is to stress about love. I do love him and I truly believe that he loves me back. On the other hand, what I dream about is to have a married life with the one man that wants to spend the rest of his life with me and adore me forever. Through thick and thin. Honestly, right now, it feels like this relationship is being sabotaged by one or both of us. It doesn’t feel like it was meant to be. If I’m spending more time with my knitting girls than the man in my life, something doesn’t quite add up.
3. Do people really care to hear about a lone bloggers’ life and her reflections on love, wine and her cats? It makes me want to see how much this book sold to see exactly how popular such a thing is. I just keep getting stuck on, “if she can do it, so can I”.
I have actually been spending most of my time recently watching TV and knitting. I have been obsessed with the series ‘24′ and the life of one Jack Bauer. This worked out very well for me because I had in my hot little hands the first 6 seasons of the hit show and lots of projects to create before Christmas. The downside? There are several really.
1. I’ve watched all 6 seasons and now I have no clue what to do with myself. It’s almost as if there never ever has been anything else to do with my time.
2. I’ve spent so much time on my couch knitting that I am now winded just by walking up the street to Amanda’s house. she lives 3 houses away. I fear I have never been so out of shape and it is so very very depressing.
3. I now maybe should marry Jack Bauer instead of James Hetfield? It’s all so confusing!!
4. I NEED A JOB
Sigh.
