Tamssmat

This morning has been an odd one for me.  I woke up feeling like a happy woman.  Took the dog out, breathed in the morning.

Do you ever have those days where something really hits you hard and turns your whole world around?  I’ve had one of those mornings and it has caused me to search within myself for the reasons and causes to my reactions.  I’m not real fond of it when I’m forced to look at my own faults and analyze them.  Honestly, I’d much rather spend my time critiquing someone elses faults and issues.  I’ve gotten really good at doing that.

This morning made me internalize my feelings and I’m not sure how to pull myself back up out of this space that it has put me in.

Let me clarify just a smidgen for you.  I have discovered that when something turns serious, I tend to panic and run.  This really isn’t a NEW discovery, I’ve seen this pattern in myself for years.  I’ve just never really spent any time trying to figure out why.  My pattern tends to be, that if I get past the initial panic and hide phase, I’m more devoted than anyone could be and more so than I really should be.  Previous examples,  Steve.  I panicked on him and he stuck around and I fell hard.  No matter what happened between us after that, I didn’t know how to let it go.  Another prime example, this book I read called ‘Kate’.  Granted, there wasn’t a whole lot of panic involved because I really only spent about $15 on the stupid thing.  But it was quite possibly the worst book I’ve ever read.  Still, I refused to put it down and leave it unfinished.  It’s just not in me to do so.  Apparently once I start something and am invested, I just don’t quit.  This could be good and it could be bad.  First example I can think of?  Aaron.  I panicked on him, we’ll never know how that might have turned out.

Regardless, this mornings freak out has me feeling very unsure of where I want things to go from here.  Is this in fact just like all of the other times, or am I really freaked out?  Is this something I really should run from, and how do you tell?  What is it that is causing this pattern in me?  I had a beautiful childhood with two very loving parents and a wonderful sister.  I have not had any trauma in my life.  I have led a VERY blessed and healthy existence.  I cannot complain.  I don’t know what has sparked this behavior in me nor how to change it and just roll with what comes my way.

No matter what the outcome for me is, I’m happy with the time I spent searching inside myself.

It’s been a LONG time since I’ve blogged.   And I guess it’s because lately I just don’t have a whole lot to say.  But this morning, I attempted to change to course of Katie’s day for purely my own entertainment and failed. 

 We met for coffee as we frequently do, well, more frequently lately than has happened in the last 6 months or so.  She got out of bed and came to the Bean.  Full jammies, bed head and all.  So when my friend the police officer showed up, I politely asked him to arrest her for wearing her jammies.  He kindof just looked at me.  Katie also just kind of looked at me.  He said there was no grounds for arrest and then proceded to sit down with us and teach me new things about my Crackberry.  I’ve spent most of this morning playing with it and now my battery is about to die. 

Now tell me, how funny would that have been if he’d done what I asked!!

Step one: Plug your ipod headphones into your laptop computer. 
PROBLEM SOLVED!

I’ve recently discovered this simple solution to all of my socializing problems, and by recently, I mean just now.  I’m sitting at my local coffee shop (or LCS) using the internets and just happily minding my own business when in walks a prominent figure from my tormented past.  This woman was front and center in making my younger years absolutely unbearable.  I’ll go ahead and say it.  Her name is Mrs. Franseen.  As in, I’m younger than her so I’m not allowed to know or use her first name. 

Let me start at the beginning.  I went to a private school for most of my academic career.  We started out at one and then moved to EHCS at the beginning of my 3rd grade year.  This school was/is a cult.  I may have discussed them on here before, I’m not sure.  Mr. Franseen was the school principal and since my sister and I did not attend their church as well as their school, we were outcasts and therefore I became somewhat familiar with his office.  When it was time for me to be punished, he would call in his wife to deliver the spankings.  Somehow it was inappropriate for him to punish me in that fashion.  Probably because he would have enjoyed it.  Sick bastard.  Needless to say, I was traumatized by this school and the family that ran it and I have yet to get over it.  It’s not looking likely to happen either. 

I’m not sure that this woman would recognize me as easily as I recognized her when she walked in but I’m not willing to risk it.  For all I know, every female student that did not attend their church was administered the same swats that I received at her hand and my face doesn’t stick out to her.  I’m OK with that.  I’m currently hiding with my headphones on in the hopes that I look very into whatever I’m listening to and should not be disturbed.  I’ll do whatever I can to avoid a conversation with this woman.  If approached, I might have to cause a scene.  If I wasn’t already committed to finishing this download on itunes for the boy, I would have bolted out the back door as soon as she walked in.  

SIGH. 

They all said it couldn’t be done.  Oh ye of little faith. 

I’ve been cooking each evening and introducing new things into the diets of the boy and myself.  My latest conquest?  Tilapia!!  I’ve never prepared fish before.  In fact, we never eat fish.  Enter a new era for the Hetfield Manor Household.  The boy even went back for seconds!!

I am woman, hear me roar!

36:45 minutes on the treadmill, 2.39 miles, running, sweating, side cramps = 1 sausage, egg and cheese mcgriddle. Delicious, but TOTALLY not worth it. (Calories 550, Fat 33, Sat Fat 11, Sodium 1290mg, Cholesterol 260mg, Carbs 43)

It’s two days later and I am still recovering from working off one of the two mcgriddles I had on Tuesday morning.  Yesterday, I couldn’t move.  I came up to the coffee shop briefly but other than that, I was laying on the couch or in my bed the rest of the day.  Correction, I got up to fix dinner and take to boy up to the high school to look into sports programs for the upcoming year.  I complained about the pain in my legs the entire time.  The boy is sick of hearing about it but I’m suffering!! 

While we were up at the school, I was struck by nostalgia.  This is my alma matter and my boy is going to be attending there next year.  We went to the theater and sat down for a brief presentation on the schools sports programs overall and then were sent off to various areas of the school to find out more about the specific sport we were interested in which for us was soccer.  While we were there, I pointed out to him that I had been in a musical on that very stage.  I also pointed out a few coaches that were still there from my days and a few other things that had changed or remained the same.  He mostly sighed at me and rolled his eyes.  I also warned him about how seniors used to try to tell the freshman how to gain access to the 3rd floor swimming pool and not to fall for that one, if they still try to pull it.  There is no 3rd floor.

It’s difficult to believe that he’s old enough to be in high school already and over the last 12 hours I have been alternately fantasizing about knitting things in the blue-on-blue for sporting events (hats, gloves, scarves) and pondering how the next 4 years are going to go.  The high school years can be extremely difficult for some teenagers to get through and I want him to be a success which makes me wonder what I can do to help him in that.  For the majority of his academic career, I have been married to whatever job I was holding and have not had the time or energy to put into extra curricular activities such as sports, PTA and that kind of crap.  Now, I’m wondering what kind of job I can find that will allow me the time to be more supportive and authoritative when necessary so that he can get the most out of these next 4 years.  I don’t seem to be able to balance both career and home as well as some mothers.  It is only lately that this has become more apparent as I have had the time to consider dinner options and prepare said meals and make sure we attend the school events.  I’m sorry to say that he could most likely have been more involved in things with his middle school had I had the time/energy.  Regardless, I am determined to do better by him until he graduates high school.  How do I do this?  Part-time work would be ideal, but it won’t pay enough to sustain us.  Extra curricular activities cost.  Something to keep working on in my head until I find the solution that suits the both of us for sure!  I have come to the conclusion that a week at home then a week at his dad’s and the back and forth no longer appears to be the best arrangement.  I must come to a new agreement with his father.  Sigh.  Time for the quarterly parental dinner meeting.

I’ve been branching out in my knitting lately and finally attacked the ever feared sweater.  The pattern I chose was very simple but included intarsia and following a graph pattern.  This is something that is, much like the socks, intimidating until you try it. 

Now the truth of it is, I didn’t do it right.  I am wearing said sweater today because I was so excited last night when I finished it that I decided I had to wear it out today.  To anyone that knits, this will be moderately interesting, to the rest of you, give up now. 

The sweater is too small.  This is because of a couple of different things.  1. I had to adjust the pattern slightly to fit with the much cheaper yarn that I bought.  I can’t afford the yarn the pattern calls for and there isn’t really a bargain substitute so I bought something as close to as I could find.  2. I kept holding it up to myself in progress and saying, “this is really long!” to whoever was nearby.  Turns out, I should have just followed the pattern there.

In further review of the definition of intarsia (see this link), I strung my yarn along behind my work and in true intarsia, you don’t do that.  This caused my picture on my sleeves to bunch up a bit. 

Overall, I completed my very first sweater and there is a picture on each sleeve.  So what if it’s not right and doesn’t fit!!  I’ve figured out that I can just pop the seams and add a few stitches here and there to make it fit.  I also think I can snip the yarn strung along the back and fix that too.  We’ll see if it works!!  I am not yet discouraged.  I have another short sleeved summer sweater pattern that I hope to tackle next.  It calls for smaller needles than I have and it’ll be a few days before I can aquire them, maybe longer.  I might have to order them online.  My local yarn stores seem to be slowly letting their needle supply wane.  I hate them.  I digress.

By the way, I’m smoke free x4 weeks as of today!!  HOORAY!!

The aforementioned James, Kirk, Metallica and a picture of my Dad’s dog Cindy.  Cause she’s just so cute!

 I have figured out how to add pictures!!!  BWAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!! 

Rebecca, Adrienne, me and Sarah the night of my going away party from Gragg.  You can see Greg in the background!

I was texting someone that was probably only a few feet away from me.

When I was a much younger individual, our parents were very involved in the church we attended so naturally we knew almost everyone that also went there.  They had become close friends with 3 other couples from a church they had all previously attended and some of those families also went to our church.  We called ourselves “the 4 families” and still do to this day.  We grew up with their kids, carpooled to school with one of the families, had Christmas get-togethers (still do only now they also include a myriad of babies) and generally spent much time together.  One of the couples had only daughters like my parents so there were times that we spent with just them.  There was also a single lady that went to this same church that became friends with our mother.  She was older than the 4 family parents and was single with no children and no matter how they tried to involve her in the circle, she just didn’t seem to fit.  She was however very fond of us girls and since she had, for whatever reason, never had any children of her own she took a huge liking to my sister and myself and the 3 girls of the other son-less family.  We of course loved all of the attention we got from her.  After some time, we were told that she would like for us all to call her “Auntie”.  This seemed odd to me at the time and I’m not sure I ever resolved those awkward feelings about it.  I don’t know why it would have ever seemed off to me.  I loved her, as quirky and odd as she was, in a certain way, I loved her.  I was young and she showered me with attention and presents.  She would have a
“Christmas in July” party for the 5 of us girls and we’d have a slumber party and presents and games.  It was a great time, I loved the other 4 girls and enjoyed my time.  I think what made it awkward for me was that I never truly felt close to her.  Maybe it was because she was so different from the other adults in my life that I just never knew what to make of her. 

Eventually, as I grew into my teen years, she faded from my life.  I know she was still close with our Mom, hell, she still may be for all I know, but she either decided we were no longer fun since we were teens and angsty, or we decided she wasn’t fun anymore no matter how many gifts she gave us.  Maybe she decided to start attending another church?  I honestly have no idea.  Lately though, I have been thinking a lot about her.  I believe that she and I probably have a lot of personality quirks in common.  At the very least, from the impression I got from my parents, we would probably appreciate each others weirdness more than others would.  Maybe we’d have an understanding of each other that only someone with similar issues could have.  I don’t know why as of late I have wished that she had never faded from my life or why I have been thinking about her, but I have.

I have noticed a pattern in myself and I am determined to break it.  I see no benefits to maintaining this behavior in myself.  I actually noticed this quite some time ago and only recently have taken efforts to correct it.  What I am talking about is my need to finish what I started.  Now I understand that in most cases, this is a good quality but I believe I have taken this to a whole new level.  I read this book called “Kate” about Katherine Hepburn and I can honestly say that I did not enjoy one moment of it.  The author was just sure that she was a lesbian so the entire book was peppered with “proof” of this.  I am not convinced and I finished the whole stupid LONG book.  This tells me 2 things:
1. He is a terrible author.  He was unable to sway the reader to what was obviously his sole purpose in writing the book and
2. I need to learn when to stop reading a bad book

I also seem to have this issue when dating.  I don’t date very much.  It’s just not fun to me.  I like my life the way it is and have very little need for more to be added to it.  However, when I was involved in my most recent relationship (everyone in my life knows the name of this individual so I feel no need to put his name in here) I stuck it out to the very bitter end.  We dated for almost 3 years and if I’m completely honest with myself, it should have ended after about 8 months.  Not only did I stick that out until it couldn’t be more obviously over, I got back together with this man after about a year of separation.  He’s a great man, don’t get me wrong.  He just doesn’t want the same things that I want and therefore it was clear after the romancing me phase that it wasn’t going to work but I still stuck it out.

I can say now though that I have started to change my ways on both accounts.  I chose to end the relationship this past December because it was pointless to continue it and I’ve been there before.  I am proud to say that I have also given up on 3 books recently.  I am a firm believer in giving them their fair chances, you never know when it is going to get good or who would publish it?  One of them was about a whore in King Henry’s court and I can’t tolerate that so it went into the kindling pile by my fire place.  Another was pleasant enough but was dreadfully boring and had no story.  The first chapter was about this minister in a small town and a stray dog that he adopted.  The next chapter was about him buying a big tub to bathe said dog in.  The next chapter was about the town throwing him a 60th birthday party.  I think I read another chapter before I decided that it was just to boring to waste my time on.  I gave that one to my Mom for her to pass on to my Grandma or someone that might enjoy it.  I can’t imagine who would but someone must. 

My point?  I’m learning, I’m growing and dagnabit I’m not wasting my time anymore!