Searching Inside Yourself
This morning has been an odd one for me. I woke up feeling like a happy woman. Took the dog out, breathed in the morning.
Do you ever have those days where something really hits you hard and turns your whole world around? I’ve had one of those mornings and it has caused me to search within myself for the reasons and causes to my reactions. I’m not real fond of it when I’m forced to look at my own faults and analyze them. Honestly, I’d much rather spend my time critiquing someone elses faults and issues. I’ve gotten really good at doing that.
This morning made me internalize my feelings and I’m not sure how to pull myself back up out of this space that it has put me in.
Let me clarify just a smidgen for you. I have discovered that when something turns serious, I tend to panic and run. This really isn’t a NEW discovery, I’ve seen this pattern in myself for years. I’ve just never really spent any time trying to figure out why. My pattern tends to be, that if I get past the initial panic and hide phase, I’m more devoted than anyone could be and more so than I really should be. Previous examples, Steve. I panicked on him and he stuck around and I fell hard. No matter what happened between us after that, I didn’t know how to let it go. Another prime example, this book I read called ‘Kate’. Granted, there wasn’t a whole lot of panic involved because I really only spent about $15 on the stupid thing. But it was quite possibly the worst book I’ve ever read. Still, I refused to put it down and leave it unfinished. It’s just not in me to do so. Apparently once I start something and am invested, I just don’t quit. This could be good and it could be bad. First example I can think of? Aaron. I panicked on him, we’ll never know how that might have turned out.
Regardless, this mornings freak out has me feeling very unsure of where I want things to go from here. Is this in fact just like all of the other times, or am I really freaked out? Is this something I really should run from, and how do you tell? What is it that is causing this pattern in me? I had a beautiful childhood with two very loving parents and a wonderful sister. I have not had any trauma in my life. I have led a VERY blessed and healthy existence. I cannot complain. I don’t know what has sparked this behavior in me nor how to change it and just roll with what comes my way.
No matter what the outcome for me is, I’m happy with the time I spent searching inside myself.
I have no advice, and I don’t know that you’re really looking for advice; but I can tell you that sometimes you have to push yourself through something that is uncomfortable and sometimes you don’t. How do you tell which is which? Not sure. For me it’s always been right for me to walk away from a relationship that felt off.
Is it part of being an introvert? It’s just harder to take on new people and digest them fully as they do change the way your life works and impact your routines, your homeostasis etc.
Comment by Phoebe — August 13, 2009 @ 2:25 pm
What happened?
Katie’s right. It’s so hard to tell when the freak out response is your inner voice keeping you safe & when you’re being weak because whatever you’re up against is a challenge.
I say as long as you are challenging yourself in some area(s) of your life that means you aren’t weak. If you’re freaking out, it’s either too much because of other factors or not a good situation at all & you should run.
P.S. I’m still here
Comment by The Sister — August 14, 2009 @ 7:35 am