Tamssmat

I’m on vacation this week.  Which really means I get to work from home.  But I can’t complain.  I have a sick need to be connected and to know what’s going on and to be a part of it all.  And I didn’t log on at all yesterday.  It was a beautiful day.  It is apparently a good week to take off work because the heat at the office is at an all time high.  Couple that with the carpet being brought in and the desks being put back and you have an office of mayhem.

Have you ever been away from something for so long that when you get back to it, you have a weird sense of being back where you should be yet there’s a mystery and newness about it??  I’m there right now.  It’s confusing.  It’s exciting.  It’s exhilarating at times even.  Yet there’s this feeling in the back of my mind that is telling me that I already know how this is going to end.  Sure, it’s different this time.  A lot different.  But the old fears are still there.  I’ve always been one that has undying devotion.  I’m loyal to a fault.  Case in point?  My job.  I love it, it loves me.  I hate it and it also hates me.  Will I leave it?  Hell no.  At least I sure don’t intend to.  My parents taught me a lot of things but one of them was not to run away from a problem.  It’ll only pop up worse later on down the road.  Deal with it now and learn from it.

I’m learning to take things one day at a time.  Let go and let God.  It’s not easy my dear friends.  I want to steer things in the ways that I think they should go.  Because of course I am always right.  Right now, I am struggling with wanting to know what is going to happen, where things will go and at the same time, not wanting things to go anywhere.  I feel like every time I gather information, that I’m pushing where I shouldn’t be.  But that’s only due to the history.  Ordinarily, I wouldn’t feel reserved showing interest.  Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do after all??  So I’ve found myself just restraining from saying anything.  Let go and let God.  Whatever will be will be.  For right now??  I’m comfortable where I am, mostly.  Its different, familiar, new, old, scary.  When will the tides turn??  Will they??  Do I want to know??