I have been thus far unsuccessful in my attempts to acquire a guest blogger for you folks. Granted, I haven’t really tried, but whatever.
Today is Wednesday. It was a good day overall even though Starbucks didn’t have any cranberry bliss bars (pure heaven I tell you) and so I had to go without breakfast. BUT, onward and upward. I got to work and before I turned on the computer and got to work, I took everything off of my desk and wiped it down with Clorox wipes. A clean desk is a happy desk!! Things are going well for me thus far!! Then one of my coworkers comes in and did something that got me in the most angry space I’ve been in since I was in my early 20’s. I can’t go into detail obviously because I spend quality time pimping my site out to my fellow Graggers. This was extremely frustrating for me though. Besides the fact that my day was close to ruined, it frightened me how much I let this person get to me. Why?? What makes that one different from the few others there that chap my hide??
I have spent a good amount of time in my life getting to where I could really like myself. When I was in my younger years (Not that I’m THAT old now but you know what I mean right??) I struggled immensely for a few years with the things about me that I do not like. Some of them I was able to grow from and get over. They don’t tend to happen anymore. Some of them are things that I cannot shed and I have grown to love. I no longer want to shed them. Then still others I am still working on growing out of. So I think what bothered me the most about this morning, is that the anger and hatred that I felt, is one of the things that I thought I had grown out of and then I’m right back to that place I don’t want to be.
I’m not worried about how this morning will affect my job. I do not stress about this person going to their superior and complaining about me. This is not a concern for me. Obviously, if there is a real issue, I will gladly address it…GLADLY. I don’t think it is an issue is what I’m trying to convey here.
So, my solution?? I am going to fake it. This is something that anyone that knows me very well, can tell you is not something I have ever had a desire to do. I can’t. I don’t think people should. I wish the people around me would be honest with me all the time. I feel like I am for them. Alas, in this instance, I cannot. It hurts me. It physically hurts me to do this. It will take away some of my joie de vivre, my je ne sais quio, my ME. When confronted with said person, there will from now on be an audible pause where you will see Tams visiting a happy place before responding. What that happy place is is still a mystery to me but I shall find one!!
In the end, the day wound down pleasingly. I accomplished much. I have a book to finish that is so good it’s been hard to go to work these past three days because I’d much rather stay home “sick” to finish it. I have Jr. I have a beautiful home that I love nothing more than to return to from a long difficult day. On that note, I’m going to (in the famous words of one Katie Leas) sprawl and squish into my delicious bed and finish this book.
So I’m trying to convince a few of my peers (and a couple people that I will never be able to call my peers) to guest blog. Am I the only one that thinks this would be great fun?!!?!!
Please cast your votes, who would YOU like to hear from?? This will help me convince them!!
1. My Dad
2. My Sister
3. Greg Gragg
4. The Todd
5. Britain White
6. Rebecca
7. My Brother-In-Law Bill
8. Random Guest
9. Katie
10. Aaron Burlison
VOTE MY GOOD PEOPLE!! VOTE!!!
Ahhhh, no work for 4 whole days!! GLORIOUS!! The Christmas season is quickly approaching and I am starting to get into the mood. I am at this precise moment, importing my Christmas music onto the laptop so I can share the joy with the whole office!! I bet they can’t wait.
I had plans to spend all or most of Friday in the office playing catch-up, but that didn’t work out and I’m pretty pleased that it didn’t. Granted, I’m still behind on my work, but I did some great work at home (ripped up the carpet in the living room which was the last of the carpet in my home, and painted the floor. I also purchased a couple of very low priced rugs to give it that homey feel. I’m quite pleased!!) and I napped and I spent some good time with the boy. He’s getting to stay home this week instead of going to his dad’s house and we’re both enjoying it. In fact, he even went to “Sunday Mornings at Starbucks with Katie” with me!! Katie’s brother was there as well. It was a great beginning to the last day of freedom until next weekend.
My sister is coming over later today and I can’t wait. I love it when she comes over!! AND she stopped by yesterday and it just so happens that we hadn’t even started our work on the living room yet so she’s going to be so surprised!!
I spent Thanksgiving day relaxing at home, one of my all-time favorite activities. I have avoided the extended family gatherings for a few years now. I’ve decided that I am to envious of my free time and I really don’t want to spend it in the company of people that make me uncomfortable. I never know what to say to them. Some of them are just so different from me and mine that I just don’t know how to relate and quite frankly, they aren’t my immediate family so why would I put myself in a position to try?? A select few of them are at this point dead to me due to past events that I won’t get into but that I cannot forgive. Just let it be said, don’t hurt my Mom. She may be able to forgive, but she’s also a much better person than I am.
I spent Friday pretty much the same way, on my couch in a state of zombieness. It was great, I don’t get to do that very often. Saturday was spent cleaning and redoing the living room and here we are!! Now is football time!! I am having a difficult time focusing because a) I’m blogging and b) I started “The Time Travelers Wife” yesterday and I kinda just want to spend the rest of today trying to finish it. It’s so good so far!! It doesn’t make a dent in my “to read” pile but that’s going to have to wait until after I get done learning what I have to learn. Sigh.
I can’t remember anything
Can’t tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me
Now that the war is through with me
I’m waking up, I cannot see
That there is not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me
Back in the womb it’s much to real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can’t look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I’ll live
Fed through the tube that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty
Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me
Now the world is gone, I’m just one
Oh God, help me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, help me
Darkness imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell
Landmine has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell
So a friend of mine said to me in response to my asking if he was heading to the next bar with us “I’m kindof unavailable”. Now what do you suppose he meant by that?? Am I to assume that we are not in fact friends but that he thinks that I want something more?? At first it didn’t even register, my response was “OK!! So are you going to the Caddy??” I don’t think it hit me until the following morning and then I got angry. Why does it have to be that way?? I guess there are a majority of the singles out there always looking for something with someone, anyone but I’m not one of those. I am so content with my life as it is, that I am so aware that finding someone that can fit into it with me, and every one of my pets and my son - virtually impossible.
I have not given up on love, nay. Never think that my lovelies. I’m just not interested in most of the boys that present themselves in my life. This fella, sure, there was a drunken night where it could have gone farther. But I’ve been so grateful ever since that it didn’t. So maybe I need to just have a talk with him. I don’t know. I’m still a little peeved about it but at the same time we never talked about anything after that “one night” so maybe I can’t really blame him for thinking what he did. Or maybe, I’m reading too much into a drunken statement and all that was really meant by it was, “I can’t go, I’ve made other plans” who’s to say??
My point?? I have more love in my life than a lot of other people out there and this weekend has been another one of those times that just helped that fact hit home for me. I am blessed. I have an amazing family that supports me through everything. My mood swings, my financial situations, my needs for solitude. I have wonderful friends that can come over and hang out on my couch and do laundry and don’t care that I’m sitting here in my jammies not paying attention to them at all. And yet others that still love me in spite of my constant flakiness and lack of effort to spend time with them. They’ll still be there the instant I need them. And then the ones that include me in their family events, let me talk to their daughter on the phone whenever something happens that I should know all about, back me and teach me at work. That’s more than a lot of people can say. I also have a remarkable son that called me to make sure the dog hand-off went OK with the ex.
I got to spend the day at my sister’s house yesterday and it was, as always, a much needed break from the norm. She cooked biscuits and gravy (first try and it was delicious!!), the James fat head got to run around for hours with Merle and CC, I had a nap on their couch, she made lunch. It was a great day. I needed it. Sometimes, all I need is some quality sister time to get me back on track. Not to say that I was really feeling that far off track, but there’s times that it helps when I didn’t even know I needed it.